Intimacy Issues in Relationships: 3 Reasons Couples Struggle to Feel Connected
For a long time, I thought intimacy meant physical connection and sex. Last month, I completed my 4-month-long couples therapy training called Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO). It is the IFS (Internal Family Systems)-based therapy for couples. On the first day of training, something stood out. The trainer asked us what intimacy means for us. That felt easy at first. Then she asked us where and how we learned about intimacy. That question made me pause. I had to reflect on what it really meant to me and why. I realized how many influences shaped my belief that intimacy was mostly physical. Long before we ever talk about intimacy with a partner, we've already learned what it is supposed to look and feel like. When those ideas go unspoken, intimacy issues in relationships can form.
5 Sources that Influence What Intimacy Is
When we pause to think about intimacy, it helps to look at where those beliefs began. For many of us, that starts with our caregivers.
Caregivers: think about how your parent(s) cared for you as a child or teen. Did they show love through touch, words, or actions? Did they ignore you when you had a need, urgency, a crisis? Or did they meet your needs with curiosity and care? Was one parent more present than the other? It also helps to think about what you saw between your caregivers. Growing up, I rarely saw my parents kiss. Yet the few times I did, as a child I felt joy inside. Were your parents open to showing affection or were they private about it? Did they repair after conflict? I find that sometimes as adults, we bring some of these generational patterns into our partnership. These patterns may need to change, especially if it causes more disconnection than connection. In IFS, we call these legacy burdens.
Culture: it can shape what feels acceptable or expected in intimacy. Some cultures value actions over words. Additionally, a few cultures show love through duty and sacrifice rather than verbal or physical affection. Also, for some cultures, it is most appropriate to keep closeness private rather than public. These norms can shape how safe or unsafe intimacy feels later in life.
Religion: many shape how intimacy is understood and expressed. Some faiths see certain practices and traditions as sacred. This may mean, for example, they value privacy for prayer time. In others, public prayer and worship is acceptable. Some religions also set rules around intimacy before marriage, such as abstinence. These teachings can affect how people feel about closeness, desire, or boundaries.
Pop culture: this is a major one for me personally. As a little girl, I loved watching Disney movies. Looking back, I realize the messaging: intimacy meant a grand kiss after Prince Charming rescues a vulnerable woman. It is almost like "safe" intimacy happens once a man saved a woman. Moreover, think about musical lyrics and music videos (when they were more popular). Everything about intimacy was physical. Maybe it was short-lived because of a one-night stand. Videos and lyrics kept intimacy as something so casual to guard yourself from going deeper.
Society: we've been used to strong messages about intimacy and gender. Society taught men hide emotion, while women labeled as “the emotional ones.” This already places genders on opposite ends of one another. Also, society values performing, producing, and achieving. Thus, some of us may have learned intimacy as “I need to do” versus “I need to feel.” IFS would call these conditions cultural burdens.
When these influences go unexamined, they don't disappear. Instead, they quietly shape how we expect intimacy to look and feel in our adult relationships.
3 Reasons Couples Struggle with Intimacy Issues in Relationships
When two people come together with different backgrounds and life experiences, their ideas of intimacy may not always align. This can create confusion, tension, and emotional distance between partners - often without realizing why. Intimacy issues in relationships may develop due to the following three reasons:
You and your partner have different definitions of intimacy. Let’s say one partner sees intimacy as physical affection and sex. The other values emotional intimacy above all else. Both partners may find it difficult to meet one another’s needs. Feelings of confusion and rejection may grow.
These definitions go unspoken. This is a big reason intimacy issues in a relationship develop. Many couples assume intimacy will just happen. They believe it will happen naturally and effortlessly. At first, the intentional time together and physical relations may feel enough. It feels like you're both on the same page...easy! But when the relationship deepens, things may change. Each person presents with their needs and expectations. However, when the topic of intimacy remains unsaid, needs and expectations become unmet. Thus, resentment grows.
Mismatched types of intimacy feels like rejection. Let’s use the above example of physical versus emotional intimacy. Again, let's say both partners have not addressed the topic and their definitions of it. One partner needs and expects to receive it a certain way. On the other hand, the other partner needs and expects it the opposite way. You're missing each other's signals. The internal belief becomes, “You don’t want this intimacy, so you must not want me.” Now, both are operating out of a false message. One partner then becomes more defensive while the other partner begins to withdrawal. A cycle forms. It's important to say this clearly: different intimacy needs do not mean incompatibility. They often point to needs that haven't been named. But when addressed, they can lead to understanding, negotiating, and expanding between partners.
Intimacy is not fixed. It's a skill and an experience that can grow as partners learn more about themselves and each other. Awareness alone between partners can soften conflict. In fact, it can open the door to meaningful change that can transform their partnership.
Intimacy means different things to different people. When those meanings stay unspoken, tension and actual intimacy issues in relationships can grow. As a result, misunderstandings turn into disconnection, causing a painful cycle for partners to become stuck in. Talk about it! When couples understand that they may be working from different, unspoken ideas of intimacy, conflict often makes more sense. And most importantly, connection becomes more possible.